Shadows of me – Diary excerpts 2


Growing up is hard.

I am not sure why God made me this way.  So different, alone in my head.  There really isn’t anyone to talk to.  I have no friends that I can tell what I am feeling.  I don’t like the darkness and it seems like there is darkness all around me.  Why do they force me to do things I don’t want to do? There is something wrong with me, I know there is.  I see and hear things.

I sense things coming and when bad things are going to happen.  But my family think I am stupid so I can’t tell them these things. I get so scared to sleep because I know he will come and visit me in my dreams.  I saw dragons last night and devils with long tails. They chase me, always so fast that sometimes I cannot breathe. I scream and scream but not one came to save me. God why don’t you take it away from me.  I am not a bad girl.

Please God make them love me, and I promise I will be good.

Teen years.

I love him so much.  No one told me what a kiss would feel like. Strange and beautiful. My heart beat so fast, to the music playing in the background while we danced.  Just 16 years old and my life had changed for ever.  We walked hand in hand and met his friends at his school.  He was so proud of me. But I did not know anything about boys besides he was the most handsome boy on this earth. Blonde, blue eyes and a fantastic kisser.  My new romance was soon to end as it was time to return home from holiday. We promised to write and meet again very soon.

I never heard from him again.  His letters were kept from me. My heart is ripping apart.  I love him and he loves me.

Goodnight God. I am so sad. Please please please take away my pain.  I can’t cry any more. It hurts so much.


( Writers note: Garbrielles teen years were filled with much sadness and sorrow.  She never experienced the joyful memories of friends and experiences that she can share or talk about in her adult life. She suffered much depression, anger, sadness, and overwhelming fear or rejection and loneliness. Friendships were very hard for her to make and still are.  Her social life and career suffered tremedously until present day)

There are many entries in her diary about the sadness she suffered and how life was sometimes so difficult for her she wanted to leave this world.  But she doesn’t want to rehash the past as those things are gone now. It is only the secrets she wants out and exposed so she can let go.

( True account of Gabriells life from pages of her diary)



A story to tell – Shadows of me.

Just relaxingThis is the true account and excerpts of a womans life. She has asked that certain facts be changed like her name and personal details so as to protect her family and friends. I am not a writer, so please discount the numerous errors you will find these writings. So here it begins.

Shadows of Me..

Hi my name is Gabrielle, im not sure how to begin but the desire to tell my story has been a long time coming. It is not to gain recognition or have anyone feel sorry for me or offer advice. I just want to let out the hidden hurts, the secrets of who I am and be free knowing that there is no longer any reason for me to feel prisoner in a world of silence that has consumed me since I was a little girl. I may go off track and you may get lost along the way of which stage I am at in my life but the truth is I just have to let it out.

It is hard to pinpoint what the real issue is with me. Is it the lack of feeling love, we’ll maybe it’s not really knowing what love feels like. To love or be loved, both fall in the same category for me. My childhood, from an early age is blank. I have glimpses of memories that have stayed with me for reasons I am not sure of. Then there is a gap, a span of years that have been lost. Even in my adult years from about 18 onwards I have massive blank spaces in my life. I do not recall a trauma as such that could erase such a huge part of my life. But through much research, trauma is a major contributor of memory loss, so i assume that is what has happened to me.

What did I do to feel loved. I stole, lied, made believe and told fantasy stories just to fit in. Reality for me was not a world I wanted to live in. I was a prisoner in my mind, my body, around my family and friends. There was only silence. Shadows of who I was. Who am I?
I am a Shadow! A shadow of other peoples personalities. What you liked, I liked. I became who ever you wanted me to be.

I was taught as young as ten to lie. Because if you told the truth you would get hurt. The truth is suppose to be a good thing, or so I was thought. But I soon learnt that emotional truth such as feelings or joy was not the truth that was expected. The beatings were sometimes so harsh, i just wanted to die, because they were not just physical but emotional. “you are evil, you are trash, you are stupic, you are dumb, you are worthless”, and it went on and on. I mean seriously, I was a kid. How could I be any of those things?
I remember praying to this God i was told to believe in to please let me just be happy. Every night I cried as a little girl filled with fear of what tomorrow would bring. This fear resulted in me wetting the bed till I was in my teens. This too I had to hide because the embarrassment would have been made public to all the family so as to put fear into me to not do it anymore. Well guess what, it didn’t work.
I was a sad, lonely, afraid, and completely alone little girl. There was no friend or confidant for me to beg for help. I mean he saw it, but he closed his eyes to it all. He justified it in way I still don’t understand. Why didn’t he protect his little girl?

To be continued,

~Jean R~