fear

Shadows of me – Diary excerpts 2

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Growing up is hard.

I am not sure why God made me this way.  So different, alone in my head.  There really isn’t anyone to talk to.  I have no friends that I can tell what I am feeling.  I don’t like the darkness and it seems like there is darkness all around me.  Why do they force me to do things I don’t want to do? There is something wrong with me, I know there is.  I see and hear things.

I sense things coming and when bad things are going to happen.  But my family think I am stupid so I can’t tell them these things. I get so scared to sleep because I know he will come and visit me in my dreams.  I saw dragons last night and devils with long tails. They chase me, always so fast that sometimes I cannot breathe. I scream and scream but not one came to save me. God why don’t you take it away from me.  I am not a bad girl.

Please God make them love me, and I promise I will be good.

Teen years.

I love him so much.  No one told me what a kiss would feel like. Strange and beautiful. My heart beat so fast, to the music playing in the background while we danced.  Just 16 years old and my life had changed for ever.  We walked hand in hand and met his friends at his school.  He was so proud of me. But I did not know anything about boys besides he was the most handsome boy on this earth. Blonde, blue eyes and a fantastic kisser.  My new romance was soon to end as it was time to return home from holiday. We promised to write and meet again very soon.

I never heard from him again.  His letters were kept from me. My heart is ripping apart.  I love him and he loves me.

Goodnight God. I am so sad. Please please please take away my pain.  I can’t cry any more. It hurts so much.

 

( Writers note: Garbrielles teen years were filled with much sadness and sorrow.  She never experienced the joyful memories of friends and experiences that she can share or talk about in her adult life. She suffered much depression, anger, sadness, and overwhelming fear or rejection and loneliness. Friendships were very hard for her to make and still are.  Her social life and career suffered tremedously until present day)

There are many entries in her diary about the sadness she suffered and how life was sometimes so difficult for her she wanted to leave this world.  But she doesn’t want to rehash the past as those things are gone now. It is only the secrets she wants out and exposed so she can let go.

( True account of Gabriells life from pages of her diary)

 

Shadows of me – continued.

SONY DSCIt is a bit hard to move on from childhood hurts.  So many people tell you, just forget or get over it.  I guess this is all true. If only it was that easy.  I realise that as an adult we choose how to react to these hurtful things in the past but there is a self discovery I have made.

I am not a machine, I have a heart with feelings and emotions that have been scared, “Sticks and stones will break my bones and words WILL hurt me”.  Yes words that have torn me down all my life. Continuous, hurtful, degrading, mean, words that caused my life to spiral into directions that never should have happened.  My ethnicity, my inability to form friendships, just not being able to hold a conversation.  I did not have an opinion because I was never allowed to have one let alone speak unless spoken to.

So as you can see without all the drawn out details of my childhood traumas, I have come out with scars that have consequently effected my teenage years and adulthood.  Relationships were built on guess work. I did not know anything about the opposite sex as it was left blank in my education and home.  So basically I believed what ever was I told.  My first relationship at age eighteen was a violent one.  This experience was one of the most difficult I have ever faced. I was a young woman who thought this was it, my life was beginning finally, it was love, there would be marriage and children.

But there was a darkness within me. I did not want the relationships I saw around me.  The loveless, emotionless, painful marriages that were held together because of children. Why do parents do this, and put their children through so much pain and agony.  You are not making their lives complete by staying married. If anything I learned the worthlessness of marriage.  I mean I understand the concept, but really, its filled with lies and deceit.  Every relationship since, and this is I only realised as I got older, I would cause to break up. I would find fault, and instigate tension.  Mind you, every man I was with loved me and wanted to marry me but there was something that just pushed me into the corners of wanting to be unhappy.  Happiness was never meant for me.  I would push so hard that they would eventually leave and think it just wasn’t working.

 

To be continued.

~ Jean R ~

Bushfire Crisis.

Today I saw flames destroy everything in its path. My family were trapped. The fire showed its fury like I have not seen in many years. The skies were filled with beautiful yet an ominous orange glow. And as the sun went down, the hills lit up like millions of beautiful candles with amazing orange and yellow flames. Once again we were at the mercy of this incredible force.
Prestigious trees and fields that stretched for miles no longer held the colors of life. Now there was only a stench of loss and destruction.
My family once trapped were now allowed to leave, with bags and necessities. Animals accounted for and personal items. They were some of the fortunate ones.

I can only believe in the resilience of people to rise up and help those in need.

I would just like to take this time to give thanks to the blessings of life, our families,
precious friends and volunteers who give freely of their time to help out wherever the need may be..

~ Jean R ~

I can!

“What if, but, maybe,
I wish, I don’t know,
we’ll see, oh i am scared,
It might not work out,
it’s to hard, I cant do it.

Take all the negative out
and replace it with positive
and it looks like this!

Courage, determination,
Faith in yourself, take a chance
If you fall, get up, learn from
it and keep going.

Trust that you can!

Just as a smile can save
a life.
The decisions you make
effect others.

I can, and I will”!

~ Jean R

A heart that hurts!

“Sometimes way down deep, in the depth

of your soul, there is a  sadness, a yearning

a desperation to reach out and find the joy

you once had. 

So much pain and sorrow that eats away at your

emotions, like a disease.

But if there is a glimmer of hope, a dream or thought

or even a tear of joy,

hold on.

Life is not the same without you.

Your value is the price tag you create. 

You are one

but we are many.

You are priceless. 

Reach out, we are here 

waiting for you”

~Jean R~