A story to tell – Shadows of me.

Just relaxingThis is the true account and excerpts of a womans life. She has asked that certain facts be changed like her name and personal details so as to protect her family and friends. I am not a writer, so please discount the numerous errors you will find these writings. So here it begins.

Shadows of Me..

Hi my name is Gabrielle, im not sure how to begin but the desire to tell my story has been a long time coming. It is not to gain recognition or have anyone feel sorry for me or offer advice. I just want to let out the hidden hurts, the secrets of who I am and be free knowing that there is no longer any reason for me to feel prisoner in a world of silence that has consumed me since I was a little girl. I may go off track and you may get lost along the way of which stage I am at in my life but the truth is I just have to let it out.

It is hard to pinpoint what the real issue is with me. Is it the lack of feeling love, we’ll maybe it’s not really knowing what love feels like. To love or be loved, both fall in the same category for me. My childhood, from an early age is blank. I have glimpses of memories that have stayed with me for reasons I am not sure of. Then there is a gap, a span of years that have been lost. Even in my adult years from about 18 onwards I have massive blank spaces in my life. I do not recall a trauma as such that could erase such a huge part of my life. But through much research, trauma is a major contributor of memory loss, so i assume that is what has happened to me.

What did I do to feel loved. I stole, lied, made believe and told fantasy stories just to fit in. Reality for me was not a world I wanted to live in. I was a prisoner in my mind, my body, around my family and friends. There was only silence. Shadows of who I was. Who am I?
I am a Shadow! A shadow of other peoples personalities. What you liked, I liked. I became who ever you wanted me to be.

I was taught as young as ten to lie. Because if you told the truth you would get hurt. The truth is suppose to be a good thing, or so I was thought. But I soon learnt that emotional truth such as feelings or joy was not the truth that was expected. The beatings were sometimes so harsh, i just wanted to die, because they were not just physical but emotional. “you are evil, you are trash, you are stupic, you are dumb, you are worthless”, and it went on and on. I mean seriously, I was a kid. How could I be any of those things?
I remember praying to this God i was told to believe in to please let me just be happy. Every night I cried as a little girl filled with fear of what tomorrow would bring. This fear resulted in me wetting the bed till I was in my teens. This too I had to hide because the embarrassment would have been made public to all the family so as to put fear into me to not do it anymore. Well guess what, it didn’t work.
I was a sad, lonely, afraid, and completely alone little girl. There was no friend or confidant for me to beg for help. I mean he saw it, but he closed his eyes to it all. He justified it in way I still don’t understand. Why didn’t he protect his little girl?

To be continued,

~Jean R~


Live today as if it was your last!

If today was your last day on this earth, what would you want to do if it were possible?

Would it be to see someone, share a secret, or make a dream a reality?

Say sorry?


Give away something?

Do what your heart has wanted to but have always been afraid?

I think each day is a miracle.
Live today like it was your last.
What difference does it make anyway if its not.
Because really, you get to do all the things you thought you never would.

~ Jean R ~

What is Love?

An emotion, a warm and fuzzy feeling.

That feeling that makes your heart beat faster.

Pain and trauma that eats at your insides when you loose that special person or dream

The opposite of hate.

Love is a choice.

There will always be someone or an event that can tear our immediate world apart. I say immediate because tomorrow brings a new day, a new choice, a new beginning.

Yesterday is now in the past.

Love has many paths, directions, options and choices.

Choose to to see the love that is all around you.

Although there will always be that special love.

There is much love that life has to offer you.

Take it, accept it, enjoy it.

~ Jean R ~



“Have you ever felt that everyone around you just don’t care.
They are all afraid to speak out the truth, or hide behind
“i don’t want to get involved, leave me out of it”.

What do you call that?
Avoid the issue and it will go away!

Or, is it that people don’t want to go through the possible repercussions of maybe having to choose sides.
Most people would say ” i don’t want to choose, I’m on both sides. To an extent this can work.
It is not always about what is “right or wrong”.
I have come to realize in my life that sometimes, we all need to make hard choices. And yes sooner or later “not getting involved” has pushed someone to their extreme limit.
Some feel rejection, judgement, loneliness, sadness, suicide, unworthiness, and simply never feeling like you truly belong

To those who feel it best to “not get involved”. There is no judgement here. We all do what we feel is best at the time.

My message is for all those who have been victims of gossip, family splits, bullying, violence, whether verbal, physical or emotional. trauma of loosing loved ones and being alone.

It is with deepest empathy that I reach out to you all and tell you that there are people out there who “want to get involved”. That have the resources to help you find the dignity you so deserve.
Please don’t give up, speak it out, because someone will hear you.
You ARE CARED about, you ARE VALUED!

As a race we have a lot to learn.
You can be their role model by showing them the mercies, grace and forgiveness every human deserves by speaking out. Give someone another chance to help you.

Never give up hope never, never, never! You will be heard.

~ Jean R ~

Weakeness is strength!

“Weakness, really is a discovery of strength.
It takes courage and strength to show emotion, share your heart and true feelings.
Lets change the way the world sees weakness and and give praise to those who are truly stronger than most of us in so many ways”

~ Jean R ~


Hear me!

When love has left and
you are alone, silence
and emptiness echo’s.

Remember, that tomorrow
will come.
Your life has a path, a destiny
yet to be filled.

Don’t let anyone take that
away from you.

You were born with a purpose.
Find strength in knowing that
You are a blessing to someone.

~ Jean R ~