family

The Black Pearl

“The road, endlessly leading you into the horizon.

Eyes fixed on the white heartbeat.
The line that offers up comradery,
radio banter and mates.

Dancing pin holes of red lights in the distance
assures you safety in the pack.

Body, mind and spirit of the road captains
we call truckers is respect, honour
and friendship”

~ Jean R ~

Advertisements

My Reasons!

” Today it is one of heartache,

to see those who once were strong 

and protective, just slipping away

like ice-cream on a hot day.

Dignity, respect, joy, loneliness,

depression, fear, sorrow, emptiness,

and the feeling of loss. 

Aged and sometimes frail,

yet full of life and stamina,

parents can drain you.

Callous words, forgetfulness,

robs you of memories gone by.

Stay strong they say, ignore the pain,

just put it all aside. 

Words do hurt and cause trauma,

sometimes so deep, that to disappear

is a good option.

But who cares for these souls, 

who once carried us through

life’s hurdles. When life has moved on

and they are left behind?

I was told today that miracles 

do happen.

Forgiveness, compassion & kindness.

Deep in my soul, in the silence of my

reasons to continue this journey.

I pray for peace in their hearts”.

~ Jean R ~ 



Eyes of Innocence!!

” When i looked into her eyes, there was innocence, white, pure!

My worries, concerns all fell away like autumn leaves.  The overwhelming foreboding disappeared into the fantasy of “story time…”

~ Jean R ~

( I wrote this poem about my beautiful niece, who has a love for stories, by simply making a game out of words, can turn my world around in minutes.. Thank you) 



My Mother!

A woman of strength and courage.
The determination to protect and provide for her family against all odds.

Sickness now her enemy.
Where once was strength is now frailty.
Eyes filled with sadness, holding on to any ounce of dignity she has left.

Life can be cruel where our loved ones are concerned.
But i am honored to have this woman in my life.

If i could change one thing, i would trade places with you in a heart beat

Love you mum!

~ Jean R ~

IMG_3331.JPG

Observations!

Have you ever sat and just observed people. Their likes, habits, dislikes, hates, what some of us call OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), I don’t like this discription, the choices they make, and wondered “Why”? Why do they do certain things, say such things, act such a way?

Do you find these things annoy you, easily, more and more each time. I mean really get under your skin. Just to hear their answer or action to something makes you angry inside.

Observation of my self this week.
Why would “I”, react a certain way to others peoples choices? ( lets just say its a negative rection, as negative is what gets a response these days)

Is it because I actually cared about this person?
Or is it because I morally or ethically disagreed with their choice?

Could it be that they just did not fit the right mould so to speak of what I thought was the way things should go or unfold. ( more or less the way “I” want it to be).

Ok, so that leaves me with what?

How do you walk away, accept, say Ok, thats you and this is me, I don’t like it but thats your way not mine, agree to disagree?

My conlcusion!
Stop focusing on other people and the negative and spend more time on what makes you happy.
Someone once said “never give up the pursuit of happiness” but there is another part to this.
Let happiness be the purpose of your pursuit.

You, me, we deserve to be happy. Whatever, shape, form, word or experience that comes in!!!

Today I am happy knowing that the world may be a bit of a mess, but if I open my eyes long enough and observe what is around me. I see that regardless, this world is a beautiful place, and yes there are beautiful people also.

IMG_0032.JPG

Shadows of me – Diary excerpts 2

IMG_2248

Growing up is hard.

I am not sure why God made me this way.  So different, alone in my head.  There really isn’t anyone to talk to.  I have no friends that I can tell what I am feeling.  I don’t like the darkness and it seems like there is darkness all around me.  Why do they force me to do things I don’t want to do? There is something wrong with me, I know there is.  I see and hear things.

I sense things coming and when bad things are going to happen.  But my family think I am stupid so I can’t tell them these things. I get so scared to sleep because I know he will come and visit me in my dreams.  I saw dragons last night and devils with long tails. They chase me, always so fast that sometimes I cannot breathe. I scream and scream but not one came to save me. God why don’t you take it away from me.  I am not a bad girl.

Please God make them love me, and I promise I will be good.

Teen years.

I love him so much.  No one told me what a kiss would feel like. Strange and beautiful. My heart beat so fast, to the music playing in the background while we danced.  Just 16 years old and my life had changed for ever.  We walked hand in hand and met his friends at his school.  He was so proud of me. But I did not know anything about boys besides he was the most handsome boy on this earth. Blonde, blue eyes and a fantastic kisser.  My new romance was soon to end as it was time to return home from holiday. We promised to write and meet again very soon.

I never heard from him again.  His letters were kept from me. My heart is ripping apart.  I love him and he loves me.

Goodnight God. I am so sad. Please please please take away my pain.  I can’t cry any more. It hurts so much.

 

( Writers note: Garbrielles teen years were filled with much sadness and sorrow.  She never experienced the joyful memories of friends and experiences that she can share or talk about in her adult life. She suffered much depression, anger, sadness, and overwhelming fear or rejection and loneliness. Friendships were very hard for her to make and still are.  Her social life and career suffered tremedously until present day)

There are many entries in her diary about the sadness she suffered and how life was sometimes so difficult for her she wanted to leave this world.  But she doesn’t want to rehash the past as those things are gone now. It is only the secrets she wants out and exposed so she can let go.

( True account of Gabriells life from pages of her diary)

 

Shadows of me – continued.

SONY DSCIt is a bit hard to move on from childhood hurts.  So many people tell you, just forget or get over it.  I guess this is all true. If only it was that easy.  I realise that as an adult we choose how to react to these hurtful things in the past but there is a self discovery I have made.

I am not a machine, I have a heart with feelings and emotions that have been scared, “Sticks and stones will break my bones and words WILL hurt me”.  Yes words that have torn me down all my life. Continuous, hurtful, degrading, mean, words that caused my life to spiral into directions that never should have happened.  My ethnicity, my inability to form friendships, just not being able to hold a conversation.  I did not have an opinion because I was never allowed to have one let alone speak unless spoken to.

So as you can see without all the drawn out details of my childhood traumas, I have come out with scars that have consequently effected my teenage years and adulthood.  Relationships were built on guess work. I did not know anything about the opposite sex as it was left blank in my education and home.  So basically I believed what ever was I told.  My first relationship at age eighteen was a violent one.  This experience was one of the most difficult I have ever faced. I was a young woman who thought this was it, my life was beginning finally, it was love, there would be marriage and children.

But there was a darkness within me. I did not want the relationships I saw around me.  The loveless, emotionless, painful marriages that were held together because of children. Why do parents do this, and put their children through so much pain and agony.  You are not making their lives complete by staying married. If anything I learned the worthlessness of marriage.  I mean I understand the concept, but really, its filled with lies and deceit.  Every relationship since, and this is I only realised as I got older, I would cause to break up. I would find fault, and instigate tension.  Mind you, every man I was with loved me and wanted to marry me but there was something that just pushed me into the corners of wanting to be unhappy.  Happiness was never meant for me.  I would push so hard that they would eventually leave and think it just wasn’t working.

 

To be continued.

~ Jean R ~