Shadows of me – Diary excerpts 2

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Growing up is hard.

I am not sure why God made me this way.  So different, alone in my head.  There really isn’t anyone to talk to.  I have no friends that I can tell what I am feeling.  I don’t like the darkness and it seems like there is darkness all around me.  Why do they force me to do things I don’t want to do? There is something wrong with me, I know there is.  I see and hear things.

I sense things coming and when bad things are going to happen.  But my family think I am stupid so I can’t tell them these things. I get so scared to sleep because I know he will come and visit me in my dreams.  I saw dragons last night and devils with long tails. They chase me, always so fast that sometimes I cannot breathe. I scream and scream but not one came to save me. God why don’t you take it away from me.  I am not a bad girl.

Please God make them love me, and I promise I will be good.

Teen years.

I love him so much.  No one told me what a kiss would feel like. Strange and beautiful. My heart beat so fast, to the music playing in the background while we danced.  Just 16 years old and my life had changed for ever.  We walked hand in hand and met his friends at his school.  He was so proud of me. But I did not know anything about boys besides he was the most handsome boy on this earth. Blonde, blue eyes and a fantastic kisser.  My new romance was soon to end as it was time to return home from holiday. We promised to write and meet again very soon.

I never heard from him again.  His letters were kept from me. My heart is ripping apart.  I love him and he loves me.

Goodnight God. I am so sad. Please please please take away my pain.  I can’t cry any more. It hurts so much.

 

( Writers note: Garbrielles teen years were filled with much sadness and sorrow.  She never experienced the joyful memories of friends and experiences that she can share or talk about in her adult life. She suffered much depression, anger, sadness, and overwhelming fear or rejection and loneliness. Friendships were very hard for her to make and still are.  Her social life and career suffered tremedously until present day)

There are many entries in her diary about the sadness she suffered and how life was sometimes so difficult for her she wanted to leave this world.  But she doesn’t want to rehash the past as those things are gone now. It is only the secrets she wants out and exposed so she can let go.

( True account of Gabriells life from pages of her diary)

 

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