Shadows of me – continued.

SONY DSCIt is a bit hard to move on from childhood hurts.  So many people tell you, just forget or get over it.  I guess this is all true. If only it was that easy.  I realise that as an adult we choose how to react to these hurtful things in the past but there is a self discovery I have made.

I am not a machine, I have a heart with feelings and emotions that have been scared, “Sticks and stones will break my bones and words WILL hurt me”.  Yes words that have torn me down all my life. Continuous, hurtful, degrading, mean, words that caused my life to spiral into directions that never should have happened.  My ethnicity, my inability to form friendships, just not being able to hold a conversation.  I did not have an opinion because I was never allowed to have one let alone speak unless spoken to.

So as you can see without all the drawn out details of my childhood traumas, I have come out with scars that have consequently effected my teenage years and adulthood.  Relationships were built on guess work. I did not know anything about the opposite sex as it was left blank in my education and home.  So basically I believed what ever was I told.  My first relationship at age eighteen was a violent one.  This experience was one of the most difficult I have ever faced. I was a young woman who thought this was it, my life was beginning finally, it was love, there would be marriage and children.

But there was a darkness within me. I did not want the relationships I saw around me.  The loveless, emotionless, painful marriages that were held together because of children. Why do parents do this, and put their children through so much pain and agony.  You are not making their lives complete by staying married. If anything I learned the worthlessness of marriage.  I mean I understand the concept, but really, its filled with lies and deceit.  Every relationship since, and this is I only realised as I got older, I would cause to break up. I would find fault, and instigate tension.  Mind you, every man I was with loved me and wanted to marry me but there was something that just pushed me into the corners of wanting to be unhappy.  Happiness was never meant for me.  I would push so hard that they would eventually leave and think it just wasn’t working.

 

To be continued.

~ Jean R ~

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